I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
