best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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