Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize
