Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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