Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
my sisters under your porch take her home
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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