My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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