so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
