I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
