hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
