You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
