Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
