its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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