I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
