the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize