So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize