im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Randomize
