I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
