Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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