hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
