last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize