If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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