he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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