I'm pants shitting drunk right now
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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