you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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