Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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