I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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