Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
