Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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