Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
