I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
