we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
