At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
