on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
