when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
