you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
