Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
They are going to name an STD after you.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
