fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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