You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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