she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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