the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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