Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
