i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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