I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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