I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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