It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
