you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
