We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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