Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
