I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
smell my finger.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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