I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
