His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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