You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
