I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
