I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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