i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
These tits shall not be calmed
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
