I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize