I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
