Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
My pussy is not your playground.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
