he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
