I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize