Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
