Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
