Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I want a musical about memes.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
