please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
